Do you need to learn how to sell your soul to the Devil? Here at LegalTemplates.net, we are familiar with processes for both selling unwanted property as well as committing an everlasting soul to eternal damnation. I mean, we work in law, so it comes with the territory.
In case you’re considering selling your soul to the Devil, for whatever reason, we’re here to help. Slake thine thirst on these helpful instructions, and try out the world’s one and only Bill of Sale Builder specifically meant for separating you from your eternal soul.
- Reasons for selling your soul
- How to sell your soul to the Devil… or anyone else
- Where and when to sell your soul
- Determining how much your soul is worth
- How to nullify a Soul Sale Agreement
- People who have successfully sold their souls
- Notes on Different Religions
Reasons for selling your soul
There are a range of benefits to selling your soul, including obtaining some of the most coveted pleasures of mortal man. So before you learn how to sell your soul to the Devil, here are a few reasons why you should.
This is perhaps the most common reason people offer their spirits to Satan. If you’re famous, you’re more likely to attain wealth, power, respect, and love. So many celebrities have made deals with the Devil for their fame, both literally and figuratively.
Who doesn’t want to be a billionaire? Most of human history has arguably been driven by a desire for money and resources, so it’s no surprise that the occasional lost soul goes searching for an easy fix. And what’s easier than selling your soul to Old Scratch for all the money you could ever want? Just ask Brigadier General John Moulton.
Sometimes you get used and abused by people, and there’s nothing you can do about it (or so you think!). What should you do when you find yourself up against an enemy who is just too powerful? If you said, “summon Lucifer and offer up your soul to see your abuser suffer untold brutality and want”, then you’ve come to the right place.
As the adage goes, it’s good to be the king. The people who say that greater power brings greater responsibility are mostly powerful people who want to make it seem like being on top ain’t so great. “But I’m powerless!” you may bemoan. Our suggestion? You know where this is going – give ol’ Beelzebub a ring and see if he’s willing to meet you down at the crossroads.
Ever wonder how goofy celebrities and tone deaf musical acts got so famous? If you were thinking hard work, dedication, and inborn talent, you clearly haven’t been paying attention. That’s right, swaths of celebs are secret Satanists who’ve managed to reach their lofty heights through unholy spiritual transactions. We’ve got a list of them below, but for now, suffice it to say, if you own a few of their albums, some of your money went to the Devil’s dividends.
Looks and Youth
A sad truth of human existence is the brevity of our youth. It seems as soon as we are strong and wise enough to seize the day, nature kicks in, and our looks, wits, and stamina precipitously decline. As such, it’s no surprise youth and beauty are so popularly purchased with greying, aging souls. If you think you could use an all-around facelift but don’t want to hit the gym or go under the knife, our Dark Lord Mephistopheles can definitely help you out.
Life / Immortality
Like with looks and youth, we humans are loathe to step into the darkness and leave the world behind. It’s just not enough time and it’s hardwired into us to want to stick around as long as possible. The Devil is certainly willing to indefinitely extend your stay on this mortal coil, but make sure you read the small print. The Prince of Darkness is prone to caveats that could have you begging for a quick and merciful end.
There’s nothing more soul crushing than unrequited love. If your heart and soul are being ripped to shreds anyway, why not just hand it over for the sweet caress of your beloved? The Devil will oblige, and let’s be honest, the apple of your eye would probably end up owning it anyway. If love is what you desire, get your Soul Bill of Sale ready.
How to sell your soul to the Devil…or anyone else
Be a lawyer
Perhaps the most common way people sell their souls today is to enter into a career in law. We’ve all heard the jokes and seen The Devil’s Advocate, but becoming a lawyer is a surefire way to guarantee you spend the rest of eternity in Satan’s embrace – that is after a short, stressful, and brutish existence as an attorney.
First, it’s part of the job description to either put people away who don’t deserve it or to keep wrongdoers from facing what they deserve. From Casey Anthony to Al Capone to Lizzy Borden, the American system is rife with killers literally getting away with murder. Even more disturbing is the long, long list of people wrongfully convicted of crimes, with some people even being wrongfully executed. Who are the folks behind these errors in our justice system? You guessed it – lawyers.
Like most poor saps who sell their souls for earthly rewards, lawyers aren’t inherently bad people. The thing is, the legal profession is widely considered prestigious, thus it’s highly attractive for bright-eyed, ambitious young people. The problem, however, is that to be a “good” lawyer, your job is to win at any cost, and this sounds an awful lot like a deal with the Devil. Some might say there are safeguards in place, or lawyers are free to turn down cases, or that the system is flawed if justice isn’t served. It couldn’t be the attorneys’ faults.
Unfortunately, there is just so much pressure to win win win. Ethical considerations often fall by the wayside and Old Scratch is able to weasel his way into the hearts and minds of otherwise well-meaning attorneys.
With huge amounts of money at stake, reputations on the line, and high-powered egos dominating the field, it’s no wonder attorneys will do whatever it takes to win a trial. Thus, you have a whole industry of suits not only of accusing the innocent and defending the guilty, but also taking the hard-earned property of others based on technicalities, lobbying the government on behalf of monied interests, and propagating systems of inequality.
We can’t put all the blame on the lawyers though – many of them go into these less than savory types of law because they’re the most lucrative. And do you know how expensive law school is? It takes years, sometimes decades, to pay off loans from attending a top-tier institution, and you just can’t make that kind of money by slogging it out at a non-profit.
For many new attorneys, there isn’t much choice but to join the soul-sucking world of corporate law. And before they know it, they are but a husk of the young, idealistic student they once were.
Instead of you wading into the morally suspect waters of the judicial system, just download documentation from us and avoid the inevitable run-in with Lucifer or his suit-adorned minions.
Not only that, but the common defenses against spiritual destruction – love, family, recreation, self-care – are all eventually stripped away as the workload increases and the pressure is piled on. A decade or two into a successful legal career is a surefire way to sell your soul, and you don’t even have to do any sorcery or demon-summoning to make it happen. Just allow the job to slowly envelope the core of who you are and poof! Satan now owns you.
That’s why we at LegalTemplates.net want to help you out with your legal documents and other day-to-day legal needs. Instead of you wading into the morally suspect waters of the judicial system, just download documentation from us and avoid the inevitable run-in with Lucifer or his suit-adorned minions.
Speaking of reliable approaches, tying the knot is a foolproof way to get your soul off your hands. The difference between this method and most of our other routes for soul-selling, however, is the buyer. Most of the time people are looking to sell their soul to the Father of Lies, but marriage is a whole different prospect – you’re selling your soul to someone you love, and they pay with their own.
And you thought this article would be exclusively twisted and Satanic, now didn’t you?
Think about it – a wedding is a ceremony caked in ancient religious symbolism, forming an eternal pact, optimally with your “soulmate.” It bears a striking resemblance to the rest of our more warlocky, Satan summoning systems, and is clearly the most common (and benign) of our soul exchange recommendations. Besides, if you ever do try to make a deal with the Devil after you’re married, you may get out of it, as we learned from The Simpsons.
Run for public office
It’s a widely known fact that politicians, government officials, and bureaucrats have no souls. While there is some argument as to whether that is a natural state of affairs or Satan-induced, we feel pretty comfortable attributing public figures’ relative immorality to deals with the Devil, usually early in political careers. This possibly stems from the fact that politicians often start out as lawyers, and as we’ve outlined, being a barred attorney is a reliable way of giving up that soul for good, well before entering the public arena.
Having to solicit campaign contributions is a big motivator for the sale of a soul. The whole campaign system is really just one corrupt, hot mess of quid pro quo deals. No moral person can deny that fossil fuels are a problem, but politicians line up by the dozen for cash from coal and oil companies.
Changing your image to fit such a forced model is a strong indicator that any part of you that was essentially “you” has disappeared.
Furthermore, while only some politicians get called out as flip-floppers, the vast majority at one point or another change their stance on an issue to secure more votes. They don’t really care – their hearts are cold and black anyway – so why not change tune mid-election cycle?
Politicians have to appeal to as broad a demographic as possible as well. This, in turn, means they have to be milquetoast, mildly charming, and “tough” all at the same time; you know, something akin to Rick Santorum. Changing your image to fit such a forced model is a strong indicator that any part of you that was essentially “you” has disappeared.
Satan has been in close contact with world leaders for millennia.
Finally, while all of these indicators of the soullessness of politicians require no supernatural intervention from the Antichrist, there is strong evidence that Satan has been in close contact with world leaders for millennia, and probably still is today.
Summon the Devil
While we’ve outlined some of the famous and more mundane methods for selling your soul, it’s time to get into the nitty gritty of satanic sorcery and summon some demons.
A seance is a time-honored way for summoning spirits from the beyond. It’s also a method for contacting demons and the Evil One himself.
To get started, you’re probably going to need someone with an inborn proclivity for psychic communication (this isn’t always necessary, but better safe than sorry). They will be your medium, but you need at least two other people to participate. You’re also going to need a range of symbols or icons. Some common ones include skulls, any number of candles divisible by three, pentagrams, bibles, etc. Once you’re ready to go, you need to form a circle by holding hands in your group.
Following this, the medium can recite an invocation, depending on what spirits or demons you’re trying to get in touch with. For Old Scratch himself we recommend using the Invocation to Satan, as well as the method for summoning Azazel, both of which are outlined in greater detail below.
Believe us, it’s a huge pain, so make sure you do your research before you go around summoning ghosts and devils all willy nilly.
Another tried and true seance method is to use a Ouija board. For whatever reason, they are crazy good at conducting spiritual energy, so even without an experienced medium, you’re at least guaranteed a ghost or something.
Be careful with a seance though – if you aren’t on your A-game or are kind of a jerk to spirits or demons, you risk a haunting situation, which can turn into a horror film style mess and leave you needing an exorcism of some kind. Believe us, it’s a huge pain, so make sure you do your research before you go around summoning ghosts and imps all willy-nilly.
Recite the Invocation to Satan
To begin the Invocation of Satan, you’ll want to take a shower and get some black robes. Then candles (black or blue ones!) and all that stuff we said with a seance, but also a bell and some incense. Then you’re going to imagine some blue lightning from your fingers while you turn in circles, after which you will recite the actual invocation.
After Beelzebub shows up, get down to soul business with your Bill of Sale. Remember though, after the Prince of Darkness vanishes with a puff of phosphoric smoke, you have to close with a hearty “HAIL SATAN.” For more info, check out the highly authoritative Angelfire site on the topic.
As we mentioned, summoning Azazel is a solid way of starting a soul transaction. Depending on who you ask, Azazel is either another name for the Devil, a different iteration of the same being, or an entirely different entity, albeit nearly as powerful. A good place to learn about the summoning method is this incredible video that outlines the whole process. Make sure you watch all 40+ minutes of it, because you don’t want to miss anything. As the subject of the film tells us, magic is some powerful stuff, and you don’t want to mess around.
Conduct a Black Mass
Another particularly powerful method for summoning demons is by conducting and reciting the Black Mass. It’s essentially the Catholic Latin mass, but kind of inverted for Satanic purposes. You can try reading it aloud during a seance, but we recommend memorizing it for full effect, specifically the Missa Niger, written completely in Latin.
Black Mass, or Satan’s Mass, is more than just the incantation, however. There is historical evidence for lurid, orgy-filled ceremonies that made a mockery of traditional Latin Mass. Other iterations included ritualistic sacrifice, so how you do it kind of depends on who you ask or what you’re going for. For a mainstream, reliable ceremony, we prefer the version outlined “The Satanic Rituals.”
Keep in mind that Black Mass is most potent on a Witches Sabbath, which is discussed in detail below.
Some demons worth summoning
As it turns out, the King of Hell can be a little busy, what with all these sinners and everything, so sometimes you’ll be reciting a satanic invocation and instead of the boss man, you’ll be visited by a lesser but equally evil representative of Old Nick.
This isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Satan can be, unsurprisingly, kind of a jerk, and some of his demonic servants are much more chill. We’re especially big fans of Sallos, Haagenti, and Andromalius.
Sallos rides a crocodile like a boss and has a reputation for being a matchmaker (or at the very least, convincing the apple of your eye to dig you back). Haagenti can turn any metal into gold and water into wine, so he’s obviously something of a partyboy. Finally, Andromalius is your go-to evil spirit should some of your stuff come up missing; he’s known for finding thieves, bringing your goods back, and even finding treasure.
For a full list of demons to hit up for favors, check out the Ars Goetia.
Where and when to sell your soul
Technically, you can sell your soul wherever you set up your seance or summoning ceremony, but there are some locales that seem to add a dash of witchcraft and heft.
The American South
Many modern deals with the Devil seem to happen in the American South. From “The Devil Went Down to Georgia” by the Charlie Daniels Band to Robert Johnson’s infamous spiritual transaction, Satan seems to have an appreciation for a Southern Gothic aesthetic. If you happen to live down in Dixie or are planning a road trip anytime in the near future, use your time in a former Confederate State wisely and shake hands with Satan.
Lonely crossroads on a lonesome highway, stroke of midnight
Like with the South, a lot of soul sales seem to go down at crossroads… at midnight. This is how Robert Johnson did it – all he did was show up, have the Devil tune his guitar, and he became a blues guitar legend.
Chances are, however, you can choose to be something other than a blues guitar master. You can usually pick from a range of rewards, like becoming a pop singer or Hollywood movie star or Colombian drug lord – whatever it is people are signing contracts in blood for these days.
We can’t be certain a crossroads is the best place, but it doesn’t seem to hurt.
The problem with using a crossroads is reliability. It worked for Mr. Johnson, but considering there is debate as to which exact crossroads he met the Devil at, it’s hard to say if any crossroads will help. Does it need to be the same intersection as the Johnson deal? Could it be any secluded crossroads? Do you get bonus points for doing it in the South? And how did the Lord of the Flies know where to meet Johnson? We can’t be certain a crossroads is the best place, but it doesn’t seem to hurt.
Gates of Hell
If you are trying to make a deal with the Devil, a good place to find him is at his front door. If you have a soul to sell, consider making the trek to one of the gates of the foul pit:
The Seven Gates of Hell in Hellam Township, Pennsylvania
The story goes, there used to be a mental institution in the area that burned down, killing patients in what seemed to be hellfire. Seven gates or doorways from the facility remained, now isolated in the woods outside the township, but only visible at night. If you are able to locate all seven and cross their thresholds, you will emerge through the seventh gate into the bowels of Hell. Be careful though, residents very much dislike tourists attempting to commune with the Devil and have been known to call the police. Sounds like conspiracy to us…
Door to Hell in Derweze, Turkmenistan
They call this one the “Door to Hell” mostly for aesthetic purposes. In 1979, a crater sunk into the earth, and there was a massive natural gas leak. Geologists decided to light it on fire to prevent the spread of methane gas, and it has stayed lit ever since. True, there is no proof that Beelzebub has ever used the portal personally, but a fiery pit leaking poison gas from the earth? We’d bet Old Scratch ain’t far.
Mount Osore, Aomore, Japan
The translation for this caldera is “Mount Fear” and has been revered as a sacred site by Buddhists since the 9th century. The area is charred and ashen, and the Sanzu river running nearby is said to be the boundary between the realms of the living and the dead.
If you happen to be in the Land of the Rising Sun and need to get in touch with Lucifer, this is your spot.
Furthermore, the caldera is pocked with sulphuric hot springs and bubbling pits. And just for an added touch of creepy, visitors leave clothes and toys for deceased children, hoping the items assist the souls in making it to Heaven above. Clearly, Mount Osore is a demon stomping ground, so if you happen to be in the Land of the Rising Sun and want to get in touch with Lucifer, this is your spot.
Ploutonion at Hierapolis, Turkey
Hierapolis was founded in 190 BC atop a cave that emits toxic gas. The site was built to worship the Roman god of the underworld, Pluto, who we know was an ancient interpretation of the Dark Lord. Furthermore, the entrance to the cave was destroyed by Christians in the 6th century, so there was clearly some hot demon action coming out of the old temple. Because it was recognized by the Romans (who really knew their pagan business) and Christians for being an entrance to the underworld, we highly recommend commencing your sale of soul transaction here.
Fengdu Ghost City, China
On Ming Mountain near Chengdu China, this site is a complex made up of temples and shrines devoted to the afterlife. Fengdu is 2000 years old and is a corporeal representation of Hell, littered with statues of punished souls and judging demons. Featuring icons from Buddhism, Daoism, and Confucianism, it’s an Eastern smorgasbord of devilry. If you happen to be in China and want to unload your soul on Satan for whatever reason, make your way to Fengdu.
While our recommended locations for selling your soul are probably the best spots, there are some other places more easily accessible. These include:
- A lonely aisle at Walmart
- Here at LegalTemplates.net
If you’re in a rush and would like a decaf vanilla spice latte to go with your sold soul transaction, feel free to use one of these soul crushing locations or services to speed up the process today!
While we’ve vetted the best places to and how to sell your soul to the Devil, when you sell it might actually be more important. We recommend Walpurgis Nights, also known as Witches Sabbath. Conducting a Black Mass on a Witches Sabbath is a flawless method for getting in the good graces of His Unholiness.
So when are these evenings, exactly? It kind of depends on who you ask, but we prefer the modern Wiccan list of “sabbats”: Imbolc (February 2), Ostara (Spring Equinox), Beltane (May 1), Litha (Summer Solstice), Lammas (August 1), Mabon (Autumn Equinox), Samhain (October 31) and Yule (Winter Solstice). We particularly like Samhain, better known as Halloween, but really, any of these dates make sense for some good old fashioned demon worship.
Determining how much your soul is worth
One often neglected aspect of selling a soul to Satan is the value of the soul in question. There have been some fairly rigorous valuations of the average human soul, but these are just median values, and rendered in US dollars. This is a useful metric, but clearly not everyone’s soul is worth the same.
We here at LegalTemplates.net have valued our souls at basement prices, being both in the legal field and an internet company, but yours is probably worth quite a bit more. According to Business Insider, the average human soul was worth $2.8 million USD in 2013, so we can start there. There are other considerations, however: how often you sin, your worst sins, your religious background, how frequently you curse (especially by taking the Lord’s name in vain), amount of time spent studying religion or scripture, etc.
If you’ve killed, robbed, or raped, this is also going to significantly devalue your ethereal property.
For example, if you’re an atheist, that puts a huge dent in the value of your soul, because you don’t even believe in it in the first place. If you’ve killed, robbed, or raped, this is also going to significantly devalue your ethereal property. Finally, Satan is obviously a capitalist, so he follows the law of supply and demand. Christianity is the largest major religion, so Christian souls have a lower sticker value than, say, that of a Zoroastrian.
So, if you were baptized Christian but are currently Atheist, have committed murder, and swear often, you probably won’t squeeze Old Scratch for much more than a luxury sedan; at best you’ll get maybe a year of unholy assistance before the Devil comes to collect his due. However, if you’re a well-behaved, earnest Sikh who reads scripture on the regular, you could probably swing lifelong youth, fabulous wealth, and maybe even a harem (because why not) for decades.
How to nullify a Soul Sale Agreement
Okay, so you’ve done the deed and sold your soul to Satan. But nobody actually wants to spend an eternity in untold pain and suffering, so at some point you’re going to want to try and get out of it. The good news is, Lucifer loves a gamble, so it’s not impossible to get out of your agreement. The bad news is, well, it’s the Devil, so if you lose it’s going to make things worse…
Beat the Devil in…
One of the more famous legends for tricking the Devil is by beating him in a fiddle contest. According to The Charlie Daniels Band, a young man from Georgia was minding his own business practicing his fingering when the Angel of the Bottomless Pit laid down the gauntlet. This young man, apparently named Johnny, was so proficient a violinist he won the contest and claimed Satan’s own gold fiddle. We don’t think it was a great bet, but considering how good Johnny was, we can’t blame him for making it either.
Satan is not above cheating (because duh)
Another way to get Beelzebub to cancel a contract is to beat him in cards, preferably poker. Lucifer is a notorious gambler, and playing cards themselves have roots in sorcery as it is, so it’s not hard to convince the Prince of Darkness to sit down for a hand or two. Make sure you keep your cool though – Satan is not above cheating (because duh), and he’s a skilled player.
Work as a non-profit lawyer
Like we’ve said, being a lawyer is a great way to sell your soul to Satan, but that doesn’t mean all lawyers are soulless, nor does it mean they can’t win those souls back. Some attorneys eventually go to work for noble causes, like environmental advocacy organizations or the Southern Poverty Law Center. Lawyers who go this route often regain their innate humanity and are able to dodge eternal damnation.
Contest ownership in court
Lawyers are also able to argue their case in court. Actually, pretty much any forsaken soul can sue for spiritual restitution, but you absolutely must be sure you’re totally prepared, as well as have some tricks up your sleeve. Why? Because Lucifer is judge and his own advocate, and he stuffs the jury with pro-damnation demons. Satan is also notoriously tricky and hard to debate, so avoid this method unless you’re sure you can outsmart the Devil himself.
If you insist on being a stick in the mud about the whole thing, you could request an exorcism. These services are increasingly rare as the religious reject the idea of demonic possession, but there are still some solid exorcists out there. The thing is, you have to do a bunch of confession and Catholics can be pretty judgemental about the whole “deal with the Devil” thing in the first place. Still, it’s pretty reliable way of getting your soul back from Beelzebub for good.
We’ve all seen The Exorcist, and while we feel that’s a pretty accurate representation of the process, there is further historical evidence of the efficacy of this method. Christoph Haizmann, a 17th century Bavarian artist, was able to work it out with the church after he’d sold his soul, and Theophilus of Adana seems to have done the whole exorcism thing on his own. So we know it works, but we don’t recommend it – it just doesn’t have the same “wow factor” a fiddle contest does.
Get a girl to stick up for you
With the exception of Eve, Satan has never been great with girls. The infamous Dr. Faust was supposedly able to wiggle out of his deal thanks to his girlfriend intervening on his behalf (at least in one version of the story), and history is littered with cunning women helping out spiritually-indebted dudes who were more than a little dense. This isn’t a foolproof plan, but apparently women are better at avoiding eternal hellfire.
People who have successfully sold their souls
Robert Johnson is perhaps the most famous and one of the most important blues musicians to ever live. He also reportedly sold his soul for mastery of guitar, at midnight, at lonely crossroads in Dockery Mississippi. There are plenty of skeptics and naysayers out there, and some who say the story was actually about Tommy Johnson. Still, we gotta believe it because, just listen to him go man:
Paganini was the most talented violinist of his time (1782 – 1840), and one of the best the world has ever seen. He was also almost certainly in league with Satan. He had unnaturally long fingers and dexterity, was rather sickly and pale, wore all black, and played the violin like a man literally possessed. And although he was a flagrant womanizer and party boy, he captured the affections of all of Europe before his demise. When it was time for him to go, he rejected his last rites, confirming in the eyes of many, not least of all the church, that he made a deal with the Devil for his celebrity and skill.
Dr. Faust is actually two people – one historical and the other legend. The legend is the guy everyone thinks of when they hear Faust, largely due to the play by Goethe. In Goethe’s tale, Dr. Faust is a dissatisfied scholar who ends up summoning Mephistopheles to gain knowledge and stimulus. The demon acts as Goethe’s supernatural buddy for 24 years. In Goethe’s version, Faust gets out of the deal, but in other legends, they find his brains and blood (and eyes) all over his room after the Devil has collected his due.
The real Faust (Johann Georg, that is) might be even more interesting. He apparently lived during the German Renaissance and was an educated doctor, alchemist, and astrologer. It also seems he also had a penchant for bragging and scamming people, and eventually ran afoul of the church. As churchy types are prone to do, they accused him of being in league with the Devil and having a dog that would turn into his servant. It didn’t help things that he probably died in a horrific chemical explosion, leaving his body severely mutilated and smelling of fire and brimstone. This sounds like a lot of coincidence to us, so we’re gonna go ahead and agree with the church – Johnny Faust was in league with the Devil.
Theophilus of Adana
Theophilus was a clergyman in Adana, Cilicia, now Southern Turkey. He was the Archdeacon and was unanimously elected as Bishop, but turned it down because he was trying to show how humble he was. Well, everyone voted on another guy, who turned around and stripped Theo of his position as Archdeacon. Predictably, Theo didn’t like this much, so he conjured up Satan and asked the Devil for help.
Theophilus was a good boy however, and quickly felt the pangs of buyer’s remorse. He prayed to the Virgin Mary for forgiveness, and after 40 days of fasting she showed up, yelled at him, and told him to fast some more. She ended up getting him pardoned and Satan returned the blood-written contract. Theo took it to the bishop, who burned it, and Theophilus was so happy he keeled over and kicked the bucket right there, getting to go to heaven instead of spending an eternity in damnation. Pansy.
Brigadier General John Moulton
Nicknamed the “Yankee Faust,” Jonathan Moulton was a rough-and-tumble kind of guy who wasn’t even a little afraid of the Devil. In the Revolutionary War he led troops in the Battle of Saratoga and was promoted to Brigadier General by George Washington himself, who was impressed with his prowess on the battlefield.
To this day, no one knows where his true grave lies.
Even more interesting, however, was how Moulton tricked Old Scratch into filling his boots with gold once a month in exchange for his soul. The thing was, Moulton cut out the soles of the boots and holes in the floor, so no matter how many coins Satan stuffed into them, they wouldn’t fill. As revenge, the Devil burned down Moulton’s house in 1769 – seven years before the Revolution even started.
At his funeral a pallbearer is said to have opened his coffin, only to find a box of gold coins with a picture of Satan on each one. To this day, no one knows where his true grave lies. It’s sad to think that the Yankee Faust is suffering eternally in Hell these days, but we like to think he was plucky enough to get out his contract.
Notes on Different Religions
Your views on the Devil are obviously going to be influenced by your religious affiliation. We find that for most soul-selling purposes, a Christian interpretation is the best route, sprinkled with some witchcraft, Satanism, and Wiccan-Pagan traditions.
Most moderate branches of the big three monotheisms have adopted a “Hell is an absence of God” perspective on damnation, which we think is just no fun. Still, your interpretation of how to go about selling your soul may depend on your religious background, so here is some further information to help lubricate the process.
The Devil is a real figure in Islam, but is known most frequently as “Iblis.” Depending on who you ask, he was either a fallen angel or a djinn (basically a demon), but either way was the highest ranking member of his order. When Allah created Adam, the Lord demanded all should bow to the first man. Iblis refused to kneel, thus incurring the wrath of Allah. The Devil is further called Shaytan (same root as Satan), but this can refer to anyone being evilly deceptive or filled with hubris.
In terms of theology, Islam has a decent amount of overlap with Christian traditions, meaning Muslims can likely use our tips and get the same results – it’s all the same to Satan. For further information we recommend consulting your local Imam or perhaps a specialist in Sharia law.
The Devil in Judaism is a little trickier to pin down. Historically, the religion spoke of a range of imps and demons, but those are mostly attributed to old wives tales these days. Judaism doesn’t have a “Hell” so-to-speak, and selling your soul in the Jewish tradition is essentially a secular interpretation.
The Devil, being a creation of God, is actually seen as doing God’s work – testing and making things difficult for mortals so that temptation may be overcome. And that’s the most literal interpretation; many rabbis simply think of Satan as an abstraction and more of a verb meaning “to oppose”.
So, if you’re Jewish, you may not really be able to sell your soul, except for through more pedestrian means like passing the bar or turning to a life of crime. Feel free to try out our methods and let us know how it goes, but unfortunately for the Chosen People, we cannot guarantee results.
We’ve adhered to a very Western interpretation of Satan and Hell and deals with the Devil, but the polytheistic and ancient traditions of the Eastern World have a plethora of options for spiritual interaction, including selling your soul and communing with evil entities.
In some forms of Buddhism, adherents believe in Naraka, which is essentially equivalent to what we’d consider Hell. There are eight cold Narakas and eight hot ones, and a soul’s sentence in each realm is dependent on a number of factors, especially karma. While none of them are eternal, the longest sentence can last quadrillions of years so it’s probably best to try and avoid these planes of existence.
Hinduism also has Naraka, with some traditions having as many as 28 separate levels. There is no central Satan figure in either Buddhism or Hinduism, but different branches have different spirits and demons (or even deities) that play similar roles in terms of temptation and soul-consuming.
Daoism speaks of Diyu, which is rooted in ancient Chinese folk religion. This is the realm of the dead, and is a subterranean system of mazes with different numbers of levels depending on the Chinese legend you’re referencing. Like Naraka (Diyu is actually a translation of Naraka), the realm functions as a purgatory in which souls are prepared for reincarnation after having lived less than pure lives. Each level of Diyu has its own reigning “king” and usually a grotesque punishment theme, kind of like the Saw movies.
The Eastern religions are profoundly complicated and often offer contradictory advice for how to go about selling your soul. Still, we bet there is some overlap in our advice and how the Daoists and Buddhists go about it. If you are looking for more specific advice for how to sell your soul to the Devil in the Eastern Traditions, we recommend looking for an expert.
We at LegalTemplates.net hope you find these tips helpful in conducting your soul exchange with Beelzebub.
If there’s anything you think we missed or have advice for other forsaken souls, let us know in the comments.
Also, HAIL SATAN.
This article is exactly 6666 words. HAIL SATAN!
This article was written by Adam Hatch.